Story Bout Me

Nearly, two of my Japanese visited my room quite frequently. Should I happy of it, or may I think over than that? I was happy the first time they came, thought of they were bored of their study and came to me. They asked for using my computer for internet. It was ok for me, but when they were using my computer. I found nothing to do. The next day they came again, I have known the purpore they came, and just let they use my computer. I suddenly felt that, they came for computer. As we were not that much conversation. 2 of them were discussing on things their looking on internet. I did not want to get between them, so I was nothing to do. At last I was playing with my handphone send sms to everyone. Just now, 3am they came. I was watching my drama. I knew why they came, and I kept on asking myself should I let them use it. At last, I pretended to be not to know. They were trying to have some chat, and try to enjoy the drama with me. And they went off when they found it bored. Actually I locked my door when they came. I was thinking in a second should I open the door or just pretend that I slept? Should I work on my relationship with Japanese or just be the way I am? hm….

I was watching A korean drama, My beloved daddy. For the first time, I felt pain in my heart while watching drama. Why people want to keep something in themselves? It’s seems like he wanted to suffer alone, he wanted to pretend that he tough enough not to let someone else worried for him, but end up both of them suffered. Just say out every thought, make everything clear, won’t it be better? Maybe I am not in that kind of situation that’s why I don’t know. Again, I thinking of my life. Many people live for the one they love. How about me? I was sometimes asking myself why am I living? It’s sounds serious, but I coundn’t get the answer. I asked one of my friend, he gave me the answer was he don’t know why should he die in he is not living. He seemed like never think through this kind of question. Maybe, someone will say I think too much again. A book told me we should find out what we are good in, something that borned to be good in. I found out I don’t have much interest in electronics stuff. Study to me just a study.

I was hungry. I just ate pasta for my dinner. I didn’t know what to cook in late night and lazy too. Suddenly, I missed when I was in Malaysia I could just simply drive out and have delicious food with just few cents. And it is cooling too. I have to sleep, I am having my exam, but why I am getting my life ruined. Still awake in 5.30 in the morning…the sky is getting bright. Good morning.

有人说我最近很灰，所以想要写个开心点的

但是最近生活平凡无奇，虽没什么快乐的，但不是悲伤的

今天第二天考试，明天是秋分日，连休三天。

因为上次考得很好，所以懒得念书。我不懂得保持，只想着改变。

我常问人，10次考试，1次第一名比较开心，还是次次第一名比较开心？

我也没刻意要把这次的成绩弄糟，只不过，成绩单里只有-优、良、可和不可，

又何必执著100跟99呢？

我成天在发着雪原里玩追逐的梦，好像很浪漫，但听说很辛苦。

所以今天又去跑步了。

我看着张曼娟的人间好时节，有曰：

春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪；

若无闲事挂心头，便是人间好时节。

所以今天跑步没那么沉重，还可以坐在海边，看太阳下山。

我还记得幼稚园的画画节，最简单的就是太阳，山，树，海和鸟。

很多人都会把太阳花在山和山的中间，

但是我今天第一次看着太阳徐徐下山。

从大圆形的太阳拉长影子映在海上，

到影子慢慢缩短，到变成椭圆形，半圆，到她完全藏着山后面。

我都一直没看着，前后不到10分钟，但是20年来我还是第一次看到

这个叫做夕阳西下的自然现象。

虽然我眼睛很痛，但我还是第一次觉得原来看不到地平线也没有沙滩的海，

也可以很漂亮的。

过后我便想了很多。

我知道猫追老鼠，但我没看过猫抓老鼠。

我渐渐忘记了5岁的农历新年，我收到1令吉的红包，和去年收到50元的红包，

那个比较开心？

现在的我，不需要愁油饭，还成天埋怨为什么政府那么迟进钱，是不是很欠扁？

我不知道酱油捞饭的滋味，不知道一年吃一次鸡腿的滋味，不知道在矿湖游泳是危险还是有趣。。。所以我说过我想尝尝坐牢的滋味。（听说最近柔佛有个付钱入住的监牢）

我的宿舍去老人院比上学还要近，当义工的念头总在不经意间地闪过，但我知道我没有那个耐心。如果有天他贴个一天义工的告示，我想，我会考虑考虑。但就是一天而已。

从小妈没有督促我背唐诗宋词，但现在我喜欢上看书，看着这本人间好时节，古典诗词的人生启示。今天学了一句，古来虽有死，好在不先知。

人生之所以有起有落才变得有趣，如果你一出生就知道你那天死，如果你一交往就知道几时分手，生活似乎少了许多乐趣。

我开始不喜欢电子工程系这个东西，因为它的世界很简单，简单到我不得不否认，原来电子的世界是世上最笨最笨。就好像我打一行的华语字，怎么不能给我我所要的句子，还要给我那么多选择一个一个去选。1+1永远只等于2，但是对一个再笨的人，1+1也有等于3的可能。就连你一出生就会吸奶的动作，原来从开口到关口需要千百个指示的。每个人都觉得电子产品很方便，那只是一个人以一般人所谓容易的程度制造出来的的产品。我知道电脑可以上网，但我不知道电脑是怎么可以上网的？那是一个人的智慧，让很多人受益。那么，能不能用一个人的智慧，让我不必读书也能过活啊？

牢骚完了，我还是得念书，我还是每天对着电脑。

This morning when I wanted to get on my bicycle to go to school, I found out that my bicycle brake handle was broken. That time I was…wth man…I lend my bicycle to the Indosian guys all this while. Ya, it’s  guys. 2 of them take turns to borrow my bicycle. I am ok lending my bicycle to anybody since i received it from my senior too. I’ve known that Indosian, to me they are like don’t know how to take care things. At last, they spoilt my bicycle. I don’t have anything to prove it. Last Weekend I didn’t go out, and I remembered I lended that Indonesian guy last Saturday. Who else will go and spoil my bicycle? How can he didn’t even tell me that it’s spoilt? I have no choice to go to school without brakes. It was dangerous, and I completely no mood, thinking of why this kind of person exist in this world.

This morning when I woke up and on my computer. I was shocked to see my friend left me a comment in my blog. I and her was like, cat and dog. Will actually fight non-stop when we meet each other. My guy will know. She left me a message not to give such a grey advise to my friend, was half scolded me. I understand why she said so, and I believe in myself. I faced the same problem as my friend met where she already give up with her friend. The feeling, was like,  extremely exhausted whenever think about the friend. Many times tried to explain, try to improve, when last of the mind will be giving up because afraid of the reaction given by the friend. It’s very tiring. My friend that have problem was most probably argue with her friend long time ago, and decided to keep as a normal friend since long long time ago. Keeping on approaching the friend was the action that hurting herself. Keep a distance between was hurt too, but the hurt is less…at least to me. Should I go and tell the person that her friend read her blog that scolded about her? It will help?

Another thing, I’ve known that will happen. My friend in F4 that I mentioned act bit weird yesterday when I meet him online. He is always the one of my biggest fan of my blog. Thank you. Mentioned about those past was not to force you to say something to me. Just that, kind of my diary. I was always the pasive one. Just act as you always be lah…

Today is 11 of September. Is it memorable to me?

Today was Japan election actually. Of course i didn’t any election activities, I am living in a peace island, I can only hear some car with big speaker promoting their parties. That’s it. In big city, there are people giving speeches on the road side, giving out all the sweet promises.

Few years ago, US being bombed. I could see thousand times the scene where the aeroplane flies into a building and it burst.

What I did today?

I jogged for about 1hour. Gotta take care of my health, and because of I think back something past caused me felt pain in my heart.

Few years ago, when i was in form 4, around this period, I think i was not happy and struggling. I was thinking why and why and why. What happened? A best friend of mine being so cold so cold to me. He just kept quiet when I called him. I was asking why we couldn’t like last time where we can chat for few hours in the phone. He just answered no why, and silent. There were a very long period I was avoiding him. Or maybe he was avoiding me. We no more going to assembly together every morning and I was not going to his home anymore while waiting for my tuition time. Till form 5 we were in the same class. Although we were in the same gang of 3 people. But it was not that close like last time, and I was still thinking of why. Now we are still friends, I tried to forget about what happened, but everytime we chat so much till I felt we were just like last time. This thing came to disturb my mind. What would I do? Just let it be.

2 years later, I found another best friend. He got his friend and I had my own friend that time. I remember that was time he asked me to wait for him back from school and that time my friend wasn’t want to wait. I left my friend and waited for this best friend. Later on, we carried a lot of daily life together like going for lunch and dinner, jogging, chat at the lakeside till midnight…Till people said that we were partners. It wasn’t doubt us cause mouth is on other’s. Till one day, Each of us didn’t choose to tolerate to each other anymore. He thinks that he would do what he want to do, and I was the one requested to respect me,not to sms when we were outing. Am I cruel? I was thinking that, if you was not in mood to go out with me, why would you do so? Just because of a word friend? Just because of I invited? At last, I always didn’t stay in my room when i was his roommate. I was mad that time looking at his face that looked like I killed his beloved. At one time I try to be good with him, but it was not gone better. I met a friend asked me how am I with him now? I said ok. The friend said he know why my best friend got mad with me, but didn’t tend to tell me the reason. I was not to ask why, things was over. But I wonder why that person told me that he know the reason? Just to show that he know a lot about us? Or wanted me to ask more so that he could tell? But I didn’t ask anyway.

What makes me think these past? A friend of mine accidentally read her friend’s blogs. They were actually argued a lot. And they were a very close friend like I with my best friend last time. I have saw them chatting at the lake side, heard them laughing so loud when they pass by my room, saw the insulting each other without the meaning of hurting each other. That time, I was thinking will these friends last long or will it be like me? The result is become like me. They seems to be like agreed to be just a normal friend since they still in a same community. They tried to keep distance with each other for not hurting each other and protect themselves. They wait for the moment to graduate so that they won’t have to face each other everyday anymore. It was just like me. I was hoping time flies extremely fast that time so that I can come to Japan earlier. I was avoiding every second that I won’t have to see his face, won’t have to talk to him. They still have half a year to graduate. My friend cried a lot, and I was giving advises like what people gave me last time. Go and  talk to her your feeling. Discuss with each other probably. That I won’t do. I was exhausted with that person that time. I was just avoiding but luckily I found some other friends. I don’t know what should I say to her. So I told her, keep yourself in another world by listening to earphone everytime she’s in your room. Go to other people room when she’s there. Avoid every chance that can be alone with her. She said she will do so, and I said you will definitely suffer. She said, she know and she went offline…….

Thinking of my past makes my heart felt very pain. That’s why i jogged.

When someone protects someone else, it means he likes that person, right?

You can protecting that person, because I’ll be protecting you.

I … falling in love with you i think…

I would become desparate everytime i watched love story.

I would say that, i did well in most part of my life, but except love.

I do envy those people who suceed in love.

My friend spent few hours telling me bout his love story,

i didnt know he was flu or he talk with his heart,

i did feel touching when i was listening to his story.

What he wanted to tell me is just that,

dont think too much before you act in love.

Love is simple, although it seems like complicated.

I wonder why those people who are simple can enjoy more in their love.

Those who think a lot will consider a lot before they start a relationship,

and so when they want to end too.

I got friends here are couple.

They meet everyday recess time and some of them are same club.

They spending most of their free time for their club activities.

Even their summer holiday. They even do part times after class.

They even meet although there were only 10minutes break.

They are happy, I think.

I admit that i may not want to spend a lot of time with my partner.

Is it too much for just a sms everyday? someone asked me.

I wondered how important a few letters means to her…

I saw my friend’s computer icon and handphone setting his gf photo.

I wondered why he cant stop seeing her one minute.

I did have some very very very close friends.

I wondered why i cant create a lot of memories with a friend called girl friend.

I have a lot of friends that cant see their friends after fall in love.

I wondered whether one day i will do the same thing to my friends.

The first time i travelled alone was because of i cant my life that time.

I think i like travel because i enjoy being nervous toward surrounding,

where you dont know whether you got things to eat or not tonight ;

or because of i am disapointed with the people surrounding in my life.

Arachi? (Learned from Korean drama.)

People told me, you have to wait for the one to come … I’m waiting …

一个周末，有点像跟自己过意不去，早上4点睡觉，日上三竿的时候才起身。起身第一件事情就是煮饭。暑假后，决定周末自己煮饭。有点好玩，也有点要省钱。所以死算死算，算倒闭食堂便宜的方法自己煮。怎么说，自己煮的东西好像比较好吃的。有人说，日本的东西过期了也可以吃的，星期日的那天，吃了过期的肉，那晚就拉肚子了。蹲在厕所里，我才想起我几天没上大号了。是不是我的身体坏了啊。。。

结果今天，星期一，我在可是累倒没有一节是整节醒着的。外头整天都是刮风下雨，但是体育课还是得游泳。今天是游泳课最后一天，有测验。结果，自由式100米2分32秒，我不知道世界纪录多少，全国纪录多少，但是我算快吗？以一个没有受过正式训练的人来说。至少，在班上我不是最后的。

明天刮台风，很庆幸的，学校放假。我对不起美国中国那儿的台风难民，因为我为台风而庆祝。明天。。。我要几点起身？

我不想因为我每写一篇故事要发235封垃圾信件，所以想一次过写几个故事。

有人特地在Friendster的博客写了很短的讯息说他另一个博客更新了，但是我却想去掉那通知信。

前两天，久违了跟我以前的室友，因为他家发生一些事情，因为有了Skype，来到日本我还是第一次透过听筒听他说话。从以前我们就很少交谈，除了偶尔其中一方荷尔蒙过多而感性地聊天，平常的他，都是很有幽默感说爆笑话的家伙。可那天，莫名的感觉到，他的声音多了一份磁性，多了一份内敛。说我以前不认识他吧，还是他改变了。那时候的谈话，听不到他爆笑话然后放声大笑，只是偶尔呵呵呵的，假笑？或许我该相信，他成长了。

一个以前都没很多机会聊天的朋友，在假期结束的时候告诉我一句很有意思的话：

一个人跟电脑的时间多了，不过是证明自己一个人的时间多了

一个人在独处的时候原来会想得更多的。。。

开学的那天，我忘了上课时间，骑脚踏车上学的当儿总觉得莫名其妙的，进到班上忘了自己的位子，看到同学很熟悉的样子就是想不出名字，上课的时候就一直在打捆，连下课时间都搞不清时间。放学回来受到了台湾寄过来的17本书，兴奋的当儿，我在想我几时会看完。第一本先开始看的是藤井树的十年的你。还有一些世界名书，三国志，挪威的森林，达文西密码等等。。。过后，我就睡个不省人事了。

我终于告白了。。。说我要退出排球。想了很久不知道要怎么开口，开学第一次的训练就只是我没去。就这样不去训练也不是办法，所以到最后我还是用了没那么尴尬的方法，告白了。

30/8/2005

wif a tired body, i stepped on the journey back to my hostel. but somehow, sway thing happened on me ah…early morning i went to do something wif my handphone…getting a cheaper plan so tat i can call more people. i took train back…on the way, wanted to get down from to visit a place b4 i go back…when i wanted to go out from station onli i realise tat i lost my tic…

i went back to those place i went…went back to the station i got into train n even ask the station people…i coundnt found my ticket. the people said to me, if u lost ur ticket u gota buy new one lor…ticket in japan is damn expensive ah..then i tel him i go to another station to find ah…

but wat i did…i took the train back to my place…i was thinking…i mayb tell the station officer tat near my place tat…i lost my tics…n i came from some station nearby. they wil belif…n i juz pay a bit lor…

i was worrying when every train officer pass by me…worried they ask me for tic…worried they ask me to pay…few hrs train, i reached my station. tat time was evening rush hour…ppl in the station busying wif other passenger when i pas by the counter…then i juz simply took another lane n got out from the station. my place is kampung, not like LRT in malaysia…there is nothing block ppl from goin out…ya…luckily i got it…i was so afraid tat time…

then gotta take bus n ferry. tat time was stil ok ah..when i reach my island…wanted to ride bycycle back…oh shit! i forgot my lock number. i tried few times, failed. i try to pull the lock…thought of that was juz a rm3 lock shud be easily spoilt…but i proved tat it is strong. then i gota walk back wif my big luggage bag n big plastic bags…

finally…reached hostel…n i was exhausted tat time…tats my sway day.